“My little children, for whom I labor in birth again until Christ is formed in you.” Galatians 4:19
It’s the wrong time of year, but I think I’m molting.
In Texas we have cicadas. Cicadas are insects that make a wonderful trilling chirp in the evenings. They have signaled summertime for me ever since I was a child. They also leave husks of themselves stuck to the trees: perfect little casts of the insect, right down to the claws. So perfect, in fact, that it was impossible for me to convince my five-year-old friend it wasn’t a live bug, even though he could see right through it. When you find cicadas alive, they don’t in the least resemble those shells because the whole point of losing the shell was so the insect could change. So that it could go on to the Next-Life-Stage-Of-The-Cicada.
I feel a lot like one of those cicadas right now, and I wonder if metamorphosis is as scary for them as it is for me. I would like nothing better than to crawl back inside my familiar shell, but I can’t seem to find it anywhere. I think the Lord may have hidden it from me. More accurately, He broke it to pieces, right off my back. I watched my stale ideas crumble into a pile of dust at my feet, and I was powerless to reassemble them. He said everything that could be shaken would be shaken. It’s just that I didn’t realize there was so much that could be shaken!
But all of that is just a lot of fancy talk to say things are bothering me right now. My old pursuits aren’t satisfying. I’m irritated at some people. My prayer life is a trickle. I have a vague sense of guilt that is like a dull, hardly noticeable pain. But it frets me because I’m afraid if I really examine its source I won’t be able to fix it, and there I’ll be. I’ve gone from feeling like Full Of Faith Word Woman to feeling like Loser, Loser, Double-Double Loser in about two days flat.
But I tell you, even in the midst of all these feelings (and I’m not exaggerating – if anything I’ve understated my case) I have a ray of hope. There is something very solid inside of me that has come from my experience under His hand. I don’t feel the slightest urge to accuse God – He’s never been anything but trustworthy. Nor do I feel I’m a lost cause – I’ve already been a real live lost cause He found and repaired. In other words, despite how I feel, I have every confidence that He will fix me up in short order. I’ll find my peace, and I’ll find my direction. We’ll sort it out. Together. And I’m sure I’ll go on to the Next-Spiritual-Stage-Of-Lisa.
I’ll let you know how it comes out.